Self Preservation is the ultimate Self Care
You are thinking about what gift to give your sister this year and notice how stressed out she seems this year. She has 3 children and works full time and you know she has little time to prioritize herself. She seems exhausted and you wish you could help her out more, but hey you are busy too with life! As the holiday comes close, you think, “I know I want to gift her a massage. I know that time away of self-care will really help.” So that is exactly what you do and when Christmas comes, she opens the gift and screams with delight as she is SO excited.
Fast forward a month later, she has just finished her massage and feels fabulous. Then she starts to wish she could do this more often and begins to feel bad that she doesn’t take care of herself. She begins to make a list of ways she can care for herself. Which looks something like this:
work-out 3 times a week
sign up for therapy
meditate 20 minutes everyday
join a girls book club
get a massage 1 time a month
This list is amazing and all are great ideas. Now the question becomes can she really make this happen??!??
This is too often the story of self-care that many of us are bought into: the idea that in order to care well for ourselves, we need to have time and money to make that happen. In that case, that means you can do it when it works for you or your lifestyle. Unfortunately, that means so many are often not able to make that work, and they then beat themselves up for not “caring well” for themselves or get jealous of others who can.
Now I don’t want to say that narrative of caring for yourself is not the way to go. If it can and does work for you then embrace it. However if it doesn’t, here is another option I want to invite you into. What if instead it’s about SELF PRESERVATION.
What does self-preservation even mean?
It means doing something in the moment that cares for you in that moment. It means being aware in the moment that you need and can care for yourself and taking action to doing so. It’s small. It’s little. And yet it can feel very powerful.
Here’s an example: Lets say you are at a family gathering and that annoying cousin comes and sits next to you at the table. Your cousin begins to talk about losing weight and how great he feels about being on a diet. He begins to ask you if you workout and what kind of exercise you like. You begin to notice a irritation come up inside of you and a feeling of discomfort. You know inside that you don’t want to have this conversation but don’t know what to say. So you SELF PRESERVE and say “I’ve got to use the restroom, I’ll be back in a bit.” and get up and walk away.
That is self preservation. It’s the care you take in the moment to preserve what you need for yourself.
It can also mean I’m home for the holidays with my parents who I don’t get along with. Therefore I am choosing to binge out on netflicks and distract myself to give myself some space. That too is self preservation.
Or it’s looking at the week ahead of kids staying home from school and saying to your partner, “look I know I will get overstimulated with the children home all week so it would help me if you could come down and have lunch with them so I can take some time to myself.” That’s self-preserving your needs in that moment.
The Center for Body Trust says, “Honor your self preservation practices. Self-care is not often meaningful because of the ways the wellness industry talks about it and packages it for privileged people. Deeply nourishing practices bring us home to ourselves. They don’t make us look to so-called experts to tell us how to live. We see how honoring the ways we have survived is sometimes how we understand the depth of our own wisdom – which has always been with you. When you are in a storm, feeling lost or unmoored, or far away from Body Trust work, we urge you to return to the practices that have preserved you, been available, and supported you. Sometimes self-preservation means we take the comfort that is familiar and available. Sometimes, self-preservation means we set more boundaries, we allow ourselves to take time with decisions, and we center reverence for ourselves and our process.”
As you enter into this season where more family gatherings take place and that can include triggers and activation, I encourage you to find your practices of self-preservation and utilize them as you can. If that means taking what is familiar and available, then do so.
As always reach out for support as you need. This holiday season is not joyful for everyone and you do not need to suffer alone.
