How to manage stress: pause
The art of learning to PAUSE
As I was on a walk with my kids last week, I had a chance to put into practice both what I guide my clients through as a certified yoga therapist, and what I’ve learned in my own practices of managing stress and anxiety. It was a moment to pause, a moment to give them choice and train my brain to not control the situation.
The weather had just dropped from a scorching 90 degrees to a softer 70, and my kids were soaking it up. They love being outside and as their mom, I relish watching them experience the outdoors with every leaf they pick up, every plant they stoop down to examine.
It was in a rural plant that they found some flowers blooming...and noticed a tiny monarch butterfly. My daughter looked at me with big eyes and said, “Mom, the butterfly isn't moving.”
My youngest son, just as excited to see what the fuss was about, wanted to touch the butterfly. Feeling protective, my daughter quickly shooed him away. She turned to me and asked, “Mom, what can we do?”
Moved by her tenderness and desire to help the butterfly, I crouched down next to her and took a breath. It was one of those moments as a mom where you realize this moment is teaching them as much as you, so I needed to surrender to it.
I had a choice: I can give them the typical, “Why don’t we Google it?” answer or to pause and be honest with them.
I said, “You know, I don’t really know what to do. How should we respond?”
In that pause, they began to get curious. They spurted out ideas over one another, some helpful, some hilariously off (as little ones do). We were all wondering. All curious. It was a moment that shifted me, literally and figuratively, to be alongside them, fully present.
As we anticipate the new year, mothers tend to go to the internal mind space of, “What do my kids need? What do I need to control so that my kids get the best experience?”
Our brains instinctively move into action mode, writing and checking off to-do lists we jot down on our phone, in our planners, and filed somewhere in that spot that wakes up at 2 am.
I know this because that’s been my typical response to the impending stress of the new year or repercussions of a busy holiday season, the frenetic pace that comes, even when it’s really good and beautiful. I too feel that stress in myself. Due to some of my own internal work, I'm noticing as I enter this season, something feels different. I've been empowered to pause.
As a therapist and yoga instructor, I have the dual privilege of both learning and teaching healthy practices in response to the stress that so many women and caregivers feel. And in my own work this last year, I’ve been empowered to pause.
In that pause I'm able to give myself some space to wonder, to sit with and accept my own limitations without feeling the guilt of comparison or anxiety.
One of the practical lessons I’ve learned on this journey is to understand the science behind what types of stress are and how they impact our body.
Years ago there was a study done by Dr. Holmes and Dr. Rahe on how much inner adjustment was required to meet a series of life stressors. They already knew that the more stress one feels, it changes the way in which their organs function and right can lead to significant health issues.
But what events and life experiences impact our bodies the most? The answer is enlightening, particularly for those of us in caregiver roles.
After their research on people from various ages, classes, demographic, they concluded that while there are more obvious stressors like the death of family member, a divorce, or job loss, positive stressors like a new job, buying a new home, or a new pregnancy, impact your body the same way. So even though the former are negative stressors, we need to be mindful of the positive stressors that can change the function of our body just the same.
Understanding this research has reinforced my work with therapeutic yoga here in South Carolina, allowing our bodies to guide us into healing and a more whole way of living.
As we are now in the new year, it’s important to be mindful of the positives stressors we are ushering in. The expectations we put on ourselves and our families about new year, new changes have great intentions—but they can also be positive stressors on our bodies. And while our bodies are strong, they need to be cared for and tended to.
This is why that moment with my kids, crouching around a tiny little butterfly, presented a shift in me.
I am like so many of you who get caught up in the busyness and expectation our culture fosters. But I know too much as a therapist and yoga instructor to keep going at that pace. And that tender moment I had was an invitation to do what I encourage my clients to do in our therapy work together: to pause.
When we pause, we begin to wonder. Get curious. Ask questions like:
How is your body responding to your mother-in-law’s invitation to have Christmas at her house?
What do you notice about the marketing messages flooding your inbox with promises of a quick fix and a better skincare strategy?
What are your own instincts to please, to host, to buy gifts not just for your kids, but your neighbors and teachers’ aids?
Rest assured, these responses are not bad or negative in and of themselves.
But if we’re going to own our voice and live in freedom, we need to get really honest and comfortable with how our body responds to even the best of situations.
The body carries a different language and if you can hear its voice, it beckons you to accept that your needs matter too. Maybe you're exhausted and notice that going to another social event feels like you are dragging yourself to it. Can you listen to that and allow yourself the opportunity to rest? To learn more about how to rest well, I encourage you to look at this resource Sacred Rest.
The winter season is marked by warmth and hibernation. The weather gets colder and everything from the clothing industry to our heating bill turns its attention to providing warmth.
We’re used to responding to the outward warmth, reacting to the events and holidays and stressors that come our way.
Instead, I invite you to anchor yourself in your own inner warmth— your inner strength and compass— as you walk through this winter season. View this as a season of radiance—of your body giving off the warmth and awareness it needs.
To help you practice this—and it is a daily practice, even for therapists and yoga instructors like me—I invite you to participate in this grounding exercise. You can take it with you through this season, when you get the email reminders from the room mom or as you flip the calendar towards a new year and feel the weight of new ideas and schedules.
Here’s to pausing. To giving our bodies space and allowing wonder—not stress—take over our minds.
Grounding Deep Relaxation Practice
I first invite you to really come into a very comfortable position that is comfortable for you.
Support your body with any pillows, blankets, or props you need.
Sit up against a wall, bringing your legs out in front of you, allowing your arms to relax to your side.
Set a timer next to you and see if you can first start with five minutes. As you continue to practice it, stretch it out to 10 minutes.
If you feel comfortable, go ahead and close your eyes. If it doesn't feel right, you can leave them gently open and begin to take three deep breaths.
Inhale and fill your lungs. As you exhale, let out a deep sigh and bring awareness to your breath for about five to six breaths.
Every time you exhale, imagine that there is a wave of relaxation leaving your body as you let your breath go. So as you inhale, invite that pause or stillness. And as you exhale, release and let go.
Begin to feel the breath as it enters your nostrils and then follow the path towards your heart and your belly.
As it exhales and you release, remind yourself that you're not controlling the breath. You're free in the breath. You're letting the breath do what it always does. Now you're noticing the breath in its natural state.
Begin to pay attention to how your body is connected to the ground and the earth beneath you.
Scan your body from head to toe and become aware of how you're holding it right now.
Notice the body parts that feel constricted and give yourself permission to adjust your body by making it a little more comfortable.
Notice the parts of your body that are touching the floor and intentionally allowing both those body parts to relax.
So in your mind, maybe even as you inhale, you can say relax. And as you exhale, you can say let go. So inhale, relax. With your intention.
And exhale, let go. And as your body exhales, allow it and ask it to surrender into the earth. reminding yourself that the earth is there to hold you and that you deserve to be held.
Doing this for a few more breaths can even allow your head, heart and your belly to bring more intentional connection and feedback to that area.
Slowly transition out of the practice welcoming yourself back. Notice the earth beneath you.
Deep in your breath as you slowly open your eyes and then try jotting down your initial thoughts in a journal.
You can journal freely, or use these prompts to guide you:
What practices do you do in your life that help you to feel grounded and connected?
Describe a time when you feel like you have been supported and grounded and held. What did that feel like for you? How did that change you?
