Using attachment theory to build deeper connection
Imagine you are steering a large fishing boat in the middle of the ocean. You can't see anything below the ocean level line. All you see is water. But you feel and know something is below. You send a sonar to reflect sounds beneath you to see if you can spot anything. The sonar hits the ocean floor, spots a large arena of fish, bounces and reflects back. Score, you found what you needed! You feel accomplished, excited, and secure that you found what you are looking for and can do the job you set out to do with confidence.
This is how I interpret what the power of attachment and connection can do for our inner being. In what it can do for us in our relationships. Often we are like the fishing boat, navigating in the wide open space of life, trying to find ourselves in the process. We send off "sonars" as signals to other people to find what we are looking for. This is often a feeling of being known, belonging, and connection. When that sonar signal comes back to us in a positive, nurturing, engaging way, we find our way. Unfortunately the opposite too can happen, that sonar signal comes back as though nothing was there, lost, or it doesn't make its way back to us. We then feel lost, insecure, unknown, and isolated.
The power of attachment is powerful in that it can help us to navigate a part of ourselves.
The part of ourselves that needs to be known by others, that needs a sense of belonging. This is a part of our humanity. We are a species that was made to be connected to others. Now that connection can look different. What makes one connected to others is different for each person, and again that is the beauty of what makes us human, what makes us unique.
Imagine the difference of truly feeling that you belonged. That you felt understood. How different would your life be and the way you felt about yourselves and others?
I think about the times of my own story when I felt detached from myself and others. The first time I really felt this was in my teen years. The teen years are just so hard! Developmentally its a time of constantly seeking, sending out sonar signals, and hoping for a response back that you so desperately need. For me though, it was missed signals. I felt so lost, confused, unsure. It wasn't until years later that I began to feel like my signals set out finally bounced back in a nurturing and guiding way.
Care, love, kindness, belonging, effort, spiritual guidance, and time. Those are things I remember that people helped me to feel that made a difference. I don't remember much of what they said or did, but I remember feeling those things. That was what brought me much needed healing and connection.
In the process here is what I learned (and am still learning!)
Comparison is the thief of joy
Needing to let go of expectations, instead of expecting mind-reading
If I couldn't find connection with others, then needing ways to find my spirit were key
Making time for creative ways of discovery were essential (dancing, running, cooking, traveling, experiencing other cultures, journaling, drawing, etc.)
Needing to assume the best of people, not the worst
Those are just a few bullet points that come to mind for me. What about you? How have you been able to move from feeling detachment to attachment?
